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It's never too late. Once I get past this, I will be stronger. Enough crying. No more.

You said once, "Why choose to live a day sadly when you can live it happily". Yeah, so I'm gonna' do that. Thought it through. I shouldn't be waiting because I've waited. Krystal & Elliot told me once, Don't give up the whole forest just for a tree. And Elliot told me that there is a tree infront of me already. (LOL, I was told to add this in) :D

I am okay.

I am and I will be.

I am crying.

Because now I know I don't stand a chance anymore.

My heart fucking hurts. And I just broke down when I saw that. Another blow to the heart, a very big blow. I cannot take it blog. I don't want that to happen. I don't know what I'm thinking. All I know is that I'm feeling so messed up, like someone just told me I only have an hour more to live and now I don't know what to do. I'm feeling so sad, so sad that he will never be back. Angry at that girl who stole his heart. Jealous, because I can no longer capture his attention and his heart. Pathetic because I'm feeling like this. Useless, because I can't do anything about it. Foolish, because I wonder why a part of me still can't get over it.

It's like everything is crashing down all over again. Like I'm going through what I've already been through during these 2 months. It's just so hard to go through. Right now, my nose is so stuffed up and my heart hurts like god knows what. I want to cry out loud but I can't because its fucking 2 plus am in the morning. Why did I have to see that at 2am in the morning. Why.

I know you aren't feeling well these few days. I know. I wanted to ask, but just asking how have you been doing is a fucking difficult task. I do not want you to think I'm fucking desperate for you to talk to me. I no longer want that. But I fucking care about you. I'm always worrying if you'd injure yourself or injure your old injuries, do you even know that? I'm always worrying if you are eating properly. Always worrying if you'd fall sick again. Do you even know that?

My tears keep falling but I can't do anything about my heartache. I feel so damn terrible right now. Blame myself for falling in love with you. Blame myself for hoping that you'd return. Blame myself for letting you go in the first place. Blame myself for every single fucking thing that I've done wrong to cause your feelings to fade.

'How I hope you will be happy always and I take all the pain in you'

I'm not okay. I want you to know. Feel guilty because this is all your doing. So that you won't fall in love with her. Fuck care if I'm selfish now because if I can't have you then nobody else can have. Fuck care if you will suffer because I've suffered and am still suffering. Fuck care if you hate me because you caused me to be like this. Thanks for confusing me, causing me to think that I still stand a chance in winning your heart back. Thanks for making me feel like a fool by waiting. Thanks for causing me to have multiple heartbreaks. Thanks for making me cry. Yes thanks for everything. Thanks for making me suffer all over again. Thank you so much.

But I don't hate you, I'll never hate you nor dislike you or anything.

How I wish your heart will hurt when I cry. How I wish you would feel useless when you can't do anything about it when I cry. How I wish you'll get jealous of me being with other guys. How I wish. But my wishes never came true, none of them came true. When I was ill, you never even fucking cared. But when she got hurt by a fucking stupid silly minor thing, you cared like fuck. WHY. Yes call me a jealous ex-girlfriend for all I care. Because I am seriously fucking jealous at everything. I am jealous of her and I fucking hate her. Call me childish for all I care because I don't give a fucking damn about it. I'm just feeling so damn angry and sad and everything now.

And sometimes walking past places where we've been to, I'd recall whatever that had happened that particular day. I still do and it's not that I want to. Somehow it triggers the memories to be played in my head over and over again. Erasing isn't an option here, and even so, I've told you I'll never want to forget even if I can. You'll want to forget because you'll want to move on. To you, you think moving on will be happier for both parties but let me tell you, that's just your selfish thinking. I never moved on even until now, I'm still trapped in that frame, unable to come back to reality sometimes. But instead of confronting the truth I have to face no matter what, I chose to hide. To shield myself, and whatever. I lied to myself and I believed what was false. I just couldn't bear to let my heart ache once again.

It has been already 2 months since that day and,

I miss you.

Have you ever missed me even a slightest bit during these 2 months?

I wonder

Sometimes I wonder, what if I hadn't met him, would my life still be the same? There are so many unanswered questions in my head and I don't even know how and where to start from. I don't even know the purpose of me blogging right now. No aim. No nothing. I'm just typing aimlessly.

It's like I could have prevented myself from the way I am now. There were so many things which I shouldn't have said or done. I just killed myself so much faster. If I had not brought my laptop to school that day, if I had not web-cam with him that day, he wouldn't had messaged me and we would had just remained as friends, not lovers. But it was all planned, it's fate.

And because fate brought us together, I really thought we were meant to be together. No matter how silly it may sound like, I never regretted being with you although it was a short period of time. Because I always had believed that you were the one for me, I always had believed that you and I could last, that you could always make me smile, that you could always take my troubles away, that no matter what you would never leave me. But I was wrong. Wrong indeed.

Remember that Wednesday when I cried and you kept asking me what happened and I didn't know what to tell you? The reason was this, I cried because I thought I wasn't being a good girlfriend, that I was afraid that I can't give you much in return because I had a phobia. But you'll never know. But in the end, I overcame my phobia and fell deeper in love with you.

Remember when you told me that your feelings were not as strong as before one saturday. That sometimes your heart felt numb, that you still think of that girl you fell in love with before me whenever you saw her. To take in all those at that moment, I just couldn't and that's why I cried. Do you know how badly I missed you those days until I had not got the mood to do anything? My sixth-sense told me something was going to happen but I chose to ignore it.

Remember when you said you needed a week break to sort out your feelings one Monday. 2 days later, you told me everything was alright and I was so glad that I was able to have another chance. Do you know how happy I felt because the day before, that night was the hardest night I had to endure, to go through. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't even close my eyes for a second. Because right when my eyes were shut, I would just think of you and my tears just kept falling and falling and my nose just kept getting stuffed up. My heart ached like nobody's business and I really wanted to let out that pain, that suffering but I couldn't. I could not let anyone know I was crying . But you'll never know.

Remember that night when I went to your house when you were sick? After I left, I messaged you that I wanted to ask you something but in another time? Never you wondered what I wanted to ask you? I really wanted to ask you if you have really sorted out your feelings because you took a day or two instead of a week. And I regret not asking because I was right in the end. You never had sorted out those feelings of yours, you lied to yourself and me that you still had feelings for me. You never missed me, you never cared, those messages were just lies weren't they?

During that few days, your messages were cold and everything. I knew exactly how you felt, I knew my chances of loosing you were high, I knew I had to do something. Something that might stop you from leaving me. I'm no superwoman and I only could come up with a lousy, useless and stupid idea of visiting you at your workplace, to bring you a drink in case you were thirsty, to just see you. But I was really desperate, I don't know why because I knew something bad was going to happen if I don't do anything. I'VE TRIED, I REALLY HAD TRIED MY BEST but nothing worked. Whatever I did failed. But in the end, that day I realised that you were different, that you treated me differently and I felt so empty. Yes that empty feeling of loving someone with an empty heart and I actually accepted that fact and I did not mind.

But it came that day, that Sunday when everything changed. You know that feeling of everything is just ... wrong, that feeling of knowing that is going to happen, that feeling of knowing you can't do anything to stop it, that feeling of being thrown in a corner alone. That horrible feeling of knowing the person that you love may leave you anytime. What if I hadn't asked you that question, maybe we would have lasted longer. I still blame myself for not enduring it a while more, maybe that could have changed our fate. Maybe.

I cried my heart out at your replies, and I kept asking myself why, what did I do wrong, why did it became like that. My brother caught me when I was about to leave the house to cry elsewhere. He told me you were not worth my tears, that I was stupid to cry over us. But I didn't listen, I still cried when I went to bed. I was scared, really scared of what was going to happen.

I never wanted to let you go, I really wished I didn't that Monday but asking for another chance seemed so difficult for you. Seeing you stressing over if you should give us another week pains me. I never wanted to see you unhappy and everything, all I want is you to be happy which you definitely are now. In my mind that day, I was deciding if I should hold on to you or to let you go when you would be much happier because you no longer had feelings for me. And I know it is like a burden to have someone loving you when you don't even feel a shit about her. Never cried so much in my life before. I couldn't even bring the words to my mouth that I had to resort to typing out "I will let you go" on my phone. Fuck. The moment I showed you, I really wished that I had erased it. I held back my tears, I held back everything but the moment you hugged me, thanking and apologizing to me, I just let my feelings out. I just allowed the person I love to leave me.

Those laughs and everything was just masking how I felt inside because I really wanted to keep in contact with you. I lost you as a lover, and I didn't want to loose you as a friend.

But now? You don't even give a shit about me.

I find myself so silly. Planned how to celebrate your birthday and our special day together that day before you requested a week break. I was hoping we could go on a picnic and I'd prepare a lot a lot of food specially for you because you eat a lot and I don't know why, seeing you eat makes me happy. Then we would just spend our day there I guess. Never got a chance to plan what we should have done on that day, it never happened anyways.

But you coming down to watch me perform was the best thing because I really missed you and to tell you the truth, ever since the day we broke up, I never had accepted reality, never had accepted the truth. I still treated you as my boyfriend although you don't know it because it shields me from the pain. I was living in another world. But whenever night came, I would cry myself to sleep because I'd realise that we are no longer together. And would wish that you would change your mind and love me again.

And because of this, because of what you told me. I waited and I hoped. And at every 11:11, I would wish that you'd return everyday. Because I thought you'd try your best to like me again, to find back that feeling but you never did, did you? You just left and never look back, never even tried to fall all over in love with me again.

I would never want to forget this relationship, I would never want to forget that sweet feeling when you first said that you missed me, or that warm fuzzy feeling when you held my hand. I would never want to forget your hugs and your kisses and I would never want to forget how much I love you.

For the past 2 months, I lived the same way everyday. For the past 2 months, I always think about you before I sleep till I cry. For the past 2 months, I waited and waited and waited like a fool at something which never could happen. Because I really wanted us to be back together again. Knowing you have someone else in mind kills me. Because I wanted that someone to be me instead but I wasn't her. I was jealous and angry and upset but I couldn't do anything. I hated her and I felt so horrible.

After so long, you never kept in contact with me and I've already accepted it. Because you always never mean what you said. I tried to keep in contact with you by shamelessly messaging you everyday, I felt like a desperate fool, I really did. Because I believed by keeping in contact with you, at least by messaging, you would somehow have feelings for me again just like how we started to message each other every single day before we got together. This is how silly I am. But you'll never know.

Making me believe that you are no longer with me, making me accept reality and stop believing that you'll return was so difficult. Have smiled, have cried, have been angry, have been disappointed, have been jealous, have suffered, have believed, have loved and have been loved.

Although I really thought we were meant to be, apparently you didn't think the same way as I did. But now I'll really let go, although I cannot bear to. Because I keep thinking that you'd come back for me so I can't move on. So that hope of you returning has been harbored into my heart. But I know I have to let you go even though I really don't want to because I cannot make my friends and family worry. I cannot continue to let myself suffer like this.

I don't think i'd be able to move on because you sealed my heart completely when you left. But if you were to miss me, look up into the sky and find 'venus'. If you were to feel that everything is against you, look up into the sky and find 'venus' and I hope it'll remind you that I'm always here for you no matter what. That you can always find me in times of need, or when you need a listening ear or simply a hug to cheer you up.

I'm in a daze now, my mind's all blank. Teared while typing this post. My heart is heavy. I don't know this feeling is. I don't know what I'm thinking. I can't even remember why I want to blog. Aimless typing results in this long post.

I promise you i'll let you go fully.

and Thank you for everything.

I woke up, and realised that it wasn't real. It was only a dream, a dream that would never happen.

I don't know why I would dream of you, but all I know is that I really wish that dream had never ended, that I rather not wake up because I have to accept reality all over again.

I'm trapped in the past and I just can't seem to move on.