So I've accomplished 48 hours without food, 51 hours to be exact. Perhaps this allows me to not think so much, since I'm tired mentally as well as physically. By that, I would be able to calm myself down easier even if I do observes situations which I really do not want to. I only wanted to settle for 48 hours, but due to yesterday's incident and this morning's, I decided to go for 60 hours instead. No reason why, I'm just sad.

But this also proves that I do have determination present in me. Just after 48 hours, I start to get light-headed. Like I feel a cushion of air whenever I step down. Walking now is a little tough, sitting down is a much preferred choice. But whatever, I'm just gonna' challenge myself. I'm just going to push to my limit, then perhaps breakdown and I wanted to type die.

;♥

Just exactly why am I punishing myself for? 24 hours without food nor water, injuring myself for fuck. I hate myself for doing this to myself, but what can I do to make it up to you. Fuck, I'm dying inside here, really I am. I just wanna' wear myself out, so I can fucking rest.. Standing here watching the happy conversations going on, standing here watching you not giving a fuck. Standing here experiencing you brushing me off when I tried to make things okay. Maybe making things okay isn't okay. Maybe I should just let things be. But it's killing me inside.. Waking up to solved problems, you know, I can't even focus on anything. I have absolutely no mood to do anything. But it doesn't matter, I can endure this because I've done much worse to myself before. This is nothing...

;♥

And the feeling is in no doubt a really horrible feeling to experience
It's not that I'm not trying, I am
But given the fact that perhaps I'm really not someone very special to you
And given the fact that perhaps I'll really never know or understand what the hell is going on over there
Kills me, cut deep, stabs me so deeply
That perhaps I'll even die before I fall onto the ground
I just don't know how to deal with this nonsense
Don't know how to deal with myself
Don't know what to do
But all I know is that I'm sorry
Sorry that you have to constantly put up with me
Sorry that I seem to always disappoint you
Sorry that I can't be someone better
Sorry that I'm not the one whom you look forward talking to
Not the one who will be making you smile
Nor the one who will be making your day

;♥

It's not like the Sun will ever stop shinning
It's not like the trains would ever stop moving
It's not like I would die or something
But it's just that it kills me a little inside each time you stop trying

;♥