My ankle is really pain ): Got trouble walking down stairs.

I am thinking a lot, not sure what exactly am I thinking about. But it's that feeling which I have no idea how to describe. Sometimes, I just feel like shutting down, and to isolate myself from this world. Really. The world is too scary. Wonder why I live my life, why am I me. I'm just very tired but I cannot give up. Tell me what to do blog.

Today was a fun day, kept my mind of things, sort of. Laughed so much. Enjoyed myself today (:

No matter what, no tears can help to cry away my sadness. No matter how much you try to cheer me up, I can't. No matter how much I wish I could tell others, it's not possible. Everything is crashing down again. I will not be the same anymore. I just want to let everything out by tearing, crying and stoning. It's always like this. There always something thats causing me to stop, due to fear of what others may think. I suffered and I kept it to myself. It was the same this time too. For me to take in everything all today, it's just too much. I don't care what others think now because I know my story well and because of something, i am not able to share it.

It's the same, assumptions. I know now. I'veclearedyours,whataboutmine?

I couldn't tolerate it myself, I had to tell someone if not I would really hurt myself. ):

I'm sorry.

So my guesses were right in the end, I guess. Well assumptions they may be but still they are still true. Really, I don't like what is going on. Why. In the end, the same thing happens again. Never will I believe ever again. It hurts to keep on believing. I want to give up.

Don't assume that you know what I'm trying to blog because you don't. It's a different thing anyways.

My life sucks sometimes, it's like a never ending cycle. Hate it so much. But I can't do anything about it. Imagine climbing up a mountain, and just when you were about to reach the peak, someone pushes you down to the bottom. You snowball down, you can't stop. Finally you stopped, injured but you refuse to call people for help because you are afraid they might get injured as well while trying to save you. Screw this example, I don't know what I'm trying to say also.

Just how long more, will I get out of this never-ending cycle?

I don't really care now, because I've always knew that I'm pretty unlucky for some reason. The same things, always happens again and again. Sick and tired of it you may say. But some parts of me just want to care and bother. I'll leave it up to you now, because I've

tried and have done my best. Really tired.

Time to update my blog with daily life of mine.

Tomorrow is school, seriously not eggcited at all. I want my sleep. And having GGYON practice for this week. Don't know if I will put on a happy face or a cold face. We'll see. Today I went out with fbodz people. Beverly, yihui, amirul, ben, rory and seniors justin, thomas, gattison and zainul. It was a really awesome and fun day. Especially when we were playing the games on xbox and wii.

Junior exam is coming, and I'm seriously not prepared ttm. Still haven't started drilling with my group yet, I try not to because I really dread seeing bored faces of theirs. Even so, they won't take what I want them to do seriously too. Feeling rather stressed, due to a lot of things actually. Don't know if I should share it with them, I can expect their replies anyways so might as well not say. Just want this week to pass quickly and exam to finish so I can finally rest and really relax. For the whole of the 3 weeks holidays, I have been in school every single day. Dancing from afternoon till night, about 10 hours I would say. Some didn't wanna' come for practice because they were tired or aching everywhere. Then what about me and the other group leaders? We are definitely having it twice as bad as you guys. Geez.

Shall stop because I really need to sleeeep ):

These few days ain't very good. There's something that is constantly bothering me, but I can tell no one about it. Sighs. Today I kept thinking about it till I missed Serangoon by 2 stops. Just 4 words. It's really bothering me. Really. But I don't know what to do. Actually it's more of I can't do anything about it. Have tried. But I failed and it made me realize. That feeling, is just not healthy. Help me blog. Have teared due to this, serious. Things aren't the same anymore, everything is falling apart.

):

Uncle passed away. Mummy is feeling really sad but as her daughter, I can't do anything about it and I feel useless. Was supposed to go down to the funeral yesterday but mummy said it's okay because she knew I had dance practice. So I'm going down today later instead. I hope on Wednesday, during the cremation, I won't get to see mummy crying because it breaks my heart to see her cry. I know she is fragile inside but throughout all these years she has been putting on a strong front. Without daddy, she still lived normally and took care of brother, charlene and I and put up with my attitude.

During the past 3 months, I wasn't much of myself. I felt and I know now that I became someone else. Someone very moody at home, someone who would cry because she felt that everything is going against her. Someone who would just stare into space and just lie on her bed for quite sometime. Whenever mummy came over and ask, I would just brush her off and say it's nothing. Because I was supposed to be strong, not weak. I am sorry for yelling at her and I'm sorry for not understanding. But mummy never wanted to leave me alone, sometimes she'd text me, reminding me that if I had any problems, I have to let her know because she is worried for me and that I have to take care.

3 months ago, while me and him were sorting things out late at night, mummy realised I wasn't at home and texted over asking where I was. So I replied I was talking things out with him. The message which came later still makes me smile even today because she replied "No need to talk to him, tell him he is not welcomed even if we were together. I will beat him up if i see him" LOL.

Anyways, I told her that I'll be back around 1 am. "Please come back to sleep as you didn't sleep last night. Don't let me worry about you as I can't understand how you feel. Love you very much. Mummy" I cried.

But now, I don't know how to make her smile. It's tough because it's her brother afterall. I really feel very useless y'know. Sighs.

-

I just don't like it, being treated that way. This isn't the first time already. Countless times. But not being able to do anything about it, as much as I would like to do something about it. I can't. I can't force you.

Go ahead. And leave me alone. Do the same as others. Just go ahead.

Sometimes, that familiar feeling comes back. Not that I want to. Just sometimes, sometimes, I wish that you were still with me. Stupid I know. But then sometimes, I just can't help it but to feel this way. I hate being at home. I tend to think so much.

I've learned my mistake.

By the 12th, I will forget about us. I will live properly without you.

By the 12th, I will believe that we are just friends.

By the 12th, I will not be sad anymore.

By the 12th, you will be completely out my of life.

I promise.

The moment I saw a glance of you today, I felt so so afraid. I wished I hadn't had spotted you. Why is it that you would always always always be there watching. Always, right at that moment, you'd be there. Why. And to know that you are there, it stresses me and I don't know why, I'll just feel very scared. Before I always wished you would be there watching, but not now and never will I want you to be there anymore. Because I just can't think, I can't concentrate, I can't do anything.

Today I told someone about us. I don't know if I'm doing the right thing. I don't know if it'll affect you. I hope not. I don't want any further misunderstandings about you anymore. I still care though, but I doubt you care about me anyways. I don't know if the person is disappointed in me, for falling for your tricks. I guess so. Sighs. That's another reason why I didn't wanna' tell either.

I. Should. Just. Not. Give. A. Damn. About. You. Anymore.

I hope I can just forget, someone make me forget please. ):

I am really very stressed up. Like really stressed. Like whatever I do, either it doesn't work out or people don't like it or just simply, don't appreciate it. Fbodz junior exam 2 is already killing me, with things still left to finalise by tomorrow before one of my member leaves for korea and will only be coming back on the exam day itself.

Another thing on my mind, but I cannot blog it. Everyday I think about this, because I don't want the same thing to happen. I try to prevent it, but sometimes I feel so tired about it. I don't want anyone to suffer as well. My mind is in a mess. I really don't know how I should live my life now. Should I just not go on because I'm afraid, or should I just go for what I think I would be happy with?

Actually, I have no idea what I'm typing anyways. So many things on my minddddd! ):

I'm also putting on a strong front everyday. I don't know how long I can last before collapsing again

Today is a very disappointing day. Had my hopes up high, with it being crushed in the end. We didn't make it through while the rest it. That sour feeling.

Just like waiting for you, and realizing that I was just lying to myself all along. You would never return to my side.