I really feel like giving up. But I don't wanna' be a loser who quits halfway but fuck it, continuing these shits will kill me and break me down. I'm just going to blog everything because no one is going to read it anyways, I've 'closed' down my blog long enough.

During crew practices, I have half-hearted members. I have a leader who hasn't even edited a stupid shit to the song which was supposed to be done 1231237812873461286341283412 days ago when we need the song on thursday. Cleaning up the choreo and formation is not done. I have no idea what my group is doing. Distracted. That's what we are. If only my group and Riyan's group didn't merge. Because only my group is choreoing, only my group turns up for practices without fail. Only my group is putting in effort and we get hindered because of Riyan's group. I just feel so fucked up about this. It's like my group is helping them with every single shit.

And to think I could just take a break from all the crew practices shit during girls hip hop, I couldn't. Because someone doesn't like you, because someone tone was super insincere, because someone totally don't give a damn about you. And you have to tolerate all those shit, getting demoralized and hurt and causing you to hate showcasing. Yes that's how I feel. I know you don't like me, although I have no idea what I've done wrong or recall when have I stepped onto your tail. Sighs.

Tolerate till open house. I can do this.

But fuck there's still club crawl.

I hate 2nd showcase, I really hate it.

Stupid bitch. I hate you. Stop acting.

It has been quite a while since I last saw you. It has also been quite some time since I last talked to you. Not forgetting since I last smiled at you with you smiling back. Time passes so quickly, 5 months have just passed like that. I don't know if it's still right, to feel this way. But when you sat beside me today, I missed you. I miss you being by my side, your scent reminded me of us and I miss that smile of yours. I wished I could hug you one more time. How I wish time would stop then. It felt like the past, which I miss so damn much. But I shouldn't think that way, cause' I don't wanna ruin our friendship anymore. I'll just keep this a secret. Because if you don't know and never know then it's okay for me to harbor maybe just a teeny weeny feelings for you again.

Yes, just like what it says above, I'm fucking busy. I have chingay practices, crew practices, outside dance classes, studies and work probably. I know it isn't the right time to work but I got no choice. When things happen unexpectedly and so suddenly, you got no choice but to sacrifice something. So I don't know, if I work, then I won't have time for crew practices. Wanted to back out from SDD due to this and other reasons but then some people don't face the same problem as me, they won't understand. So in their eyes, backing out is a really big disappointment. Sighs.

Common test is coming, dancing is really taking a lot of time from me. I only can study during breaks, how pathetic. I told mummy that I won't let dance affect my studies, also another reason why I wanted to back out but then I heard people saying backing out because of studies is a stupid reason. I care about my results. Only one week left. I know it's only just common test but I know I will be even more busy then how I am now next year. So I gotta' score as high as I can for every stupid shit that counts in the overall grade. I've screwed up practically all of my tutorials which carry a certain percentage. I can't screw up my tests, I really can't.

Crew practices are not productive at all, don't know what we are doing anyways. I rather study. Don't feel like choreographing. It's not a good thing to do. I hope tomorrow's practice would be better, hope we can choreo something out. If I was in Jake's group, I would be so glad because I can just learn in peace without feeling inferior when comparing choreographies ): Seriously, I feel that whatever I do, is just so .. lousy.

I'm feeling so fucking stressed. ):

I'm not gonna' breakdown infront of anybody. I'll put on a strong front for as long as I can. Breaking down is a sign of weakness, and it will show how pathetic I am. Just because someone broke down, doesn't mean I should follow. I am different, too different perhaps. Maybe that's why the same thing always happens to me. History always repeats itself. Shall just get use to it. The same thing will happen again. Why believe. I should stop believing. It's tiring to keep believing and I end up getting hurt always. Fuck it.

Anyways, I saw this on facebook today

"I will hold you in my heart till I hold you in my hands"