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♥Thursday, 29 December 2011♥ @ 12:35 am
Dear E,
有时候偶尔还是会想念.
Fuck, I'm crying again
♥Saturday, 24 December 2011♥ @ 3:10 am
Dear E,
This may by my only chance in asking you out. Fighting with myself again. I know clearly how is it going to be like. I know what's supposed to be good for me. But.. I don't know. Guess I really love you too much, even up till now, I still remember small details and I don't know. Have you ever wondered why I don't sleep so early? This is why. I'm just staying awake till you go offline, just to make sure that I would still be there for you, if you were to ever to talk maybe to me. Because I told you that I would always be there for you and I meant it. And I don't know, I'm even willing to sacrifice my meals just to save enough money to buy a X'mas gift for you. And why do I do that. I have absolutely no idea, I just do it. It comes to me naturally. Sometimes, I wish you'd notice things around you. Sometimes I wish you'd treat me better when I try and talk to you first. Sometimes I wish you'd wait for me to go home together. Sometimes I wish you'd see how much I am trying. I don't know if I'm trying to move on, or trying to stay on. This 0.01% which keeps me going. I don't know. I miss you.
♥Wednesday, 21 December 2011♥ @ 3:16 am
Dear E,
& again, you ignored my text, when I just asked you how are you doing. I don't know why. But my guy friends said that it's because you are annoyed with me, because you still find me very clingy. So I'm sorry, if you'll ever read this. They told me not to apologize to you though.
Well, today I saw you having fun with her like how we used to. That scene simply stabbed my heart. You just kept on being around her, and as much as I dislike it, I know I have no say. All I ever want is us to be back friends. But I'm glad that you came and acknowledge my presence.
Be myself. So if I ever do something wrong, you said you'll let me know. I won't forget the efforts we had put in then because it would be a waste to just lose it. So yeah, I'm doing myself a big favor. And there's nothing to be sorry about cause you'll be there, always watching and supporting me. (:
♥Tuesday, 20 December 2011♥ @ 1:10 am
Dear E,
I see you online, guess you're done with your course. Well, seeing you online reminds me of the past, whereby we'd talk till late. Memories huh. I really miss them. If one day you'll ever come across my blog, do note that till now, I really still like you. But I rather we go back to how we were, being good friends. Talking all night and all day long, with nothing to hide, being transparent with each other. Trying our very best to maintain our friendship because we both cherished. Sighs. I guess things really do change. Yes, the past can no longer be revived. All I got to do now, is to just accept and face reality. Got to be strong to forget what I once had. Those moments with you will always remain in my heart, no matter what, I won't be able to forget how happy I was because you made me believe in you and us. It doesn't matter now, all I want and wish is that we'll be back as friends again. I don't wanna' lose you kickkick...
♥Sunday, 18 December 2011♥ @ 10:09 pm
Dear E,
I keep hoping that you'd come talk to me and all. Text me, maybe. Just a simple text, like asking me how I'm doing, can really change my mood. I see you tweeting, but not replying to what I've texted you. Yes, though it's nothing much to you, a simple 'takecare!' but it means so much to me. Because it just means that every now and then, you are crossing my mind. The sad truth is, I'm not crossing your mind. How I wish you are able to read all these posts. How I wish, but no. You don't even know I'm here ranting. Yes, times and times I try to forget you, try and look at other guys out there who are really showing me much more concern and care to me than you. Making me smile and laugh. But really, at the end of the day, you are the only one I want attention from. I have no idea why you are so special to me. But that's just the way it is, the way I feel about you. Because it kills me inside every time I see you with some other people. I mean all I ever wish is for you to like me back, to be how we used to me. It's okay if we aren't together because I was so much happier then.
What if one day I loose all hope and strength to go on? Do I have to do something silly in order to get your attention? I really have the guts to do it you know. I can go all the way just to pull you back. I've tied a string on you, you can't be freed. You're trapped in my hands. If you managed to fly off, to break free, you'll have to return no matter what because I'll definitely go all out in getting you back. I've turned into someone scary, someone I don't know. But yes, the other Charmaine's dead. This is what you have taught me from this break up E, so thank you. Though I don't have the ability to ever make you smile, but I do have the ability to make you stay.
You really wouldn't wanna imagine what I can do to myself, if you ever fall in love with someone else.
18/12/11 1:15 AM
Dear E,
I saw the way others made you smile. I saw the way how that person on your phone made you smile so happily. I saw all these with my own eyes. But I don't have that ability to ever make you smile again. Walking with me, is boring, I don't know what am I supposed to say to you. I don't know how to talk to you. I don't know how to turn our conversations like before, when the both of us would enjoy each other's company, so much. Where did they all go? They're all gone, all dead.
I don't know what else to say now though there's a lot of things on my mind. I'm lost.
♥Saturday, 17 December 2011♥ @ 2:28 am
Dear E,
It has been 3 months, to be exact. I'm learning how to live without you with each breath which I continue to take in. But it is not that I can't live without you, I just don't want to. You know, even up till now, I would still constantly think about you and about any chances of us of ever getting back together again. Yes, sometimes I do get sad over the fact that we're no longer together. And yes, sometimes I would cling onto that hope that maybe you'll realize. Never give up, this familiar phrase, am I suppose to apply it into this situation? Life does contradicts itself actually.
But then again, I hope you'll be coming down to watch the musical tomorrow. Remember how I am always constantly trying to make you proud? So that you'll say in your head proudly and smiling; "That's my girl". And your voice, is still replaying in my head. Remember that night before Get Down, before we parted, you said to me "Make me proud" and because of that encouragement, I tried my best to overcome my fear and all because I really wanted you to be proud that I am the girl that you were in love with, and that you aren't ashamed of me because I don't dance well. Maybe this is why, after all these months, I tried practically almost all the genres so I can be a versatile dancer like you. Then again, I question myself, who am I doing all these for. Me or just simply for you?
Because I miss you. So badly at times, that I'd cry myself to sleep. Swallowing down all these sadness just to put on a smile of my face when I see you. It's really difficult. My tears are just falling down right now. I don't know how you're feeling right now, do you feel sad? Just let me cry one more time tonight because I'm just gonna' wake up to the same nightmare I did 3 months ago. That torturing moment.
& then I look at myself, and I realized why you left. I wish I could change, I wish I had cherished and treasured the chances you gave me. But it's just a little bit too late. Why didn't I realized in time, that I was becoming someone else, no longer that girl you fell in love with. Where's she? I think she have died elsewhere along the way, while loving you and trying to make things better maybe a little way too much. Too desperate to save the relationship till she forgot her actions was suffocating you, was straining you. But she just needed some assurance because she felt insecure, that was all. She's sorry for leaving you so sudden and getting replaced by someone else, but she's dead anyways. It doesn't really matter now actually.
Yeah, it doesn't really matter now. You've moved on while I'm stuck here.
♥Tuesday, 13 December 2011♥ @ 12:34 pm
Dear E, I dreamt of you today. It depicts exactly what is happening right now. I dont know if you had a dream about me before or not but I have countless of then about you.So here I am blogging on my phone because Im missing you. wondering how you're doing most of the times and wondering how much fun you had without me. But yet, here i am still waiting for i don't know what to happen, to miraculously happen. I am still holding on, onto some faith you had left in my heart before to secure and protect them. I dont knw what's the point of all these now. Waiting is really meaningless now because i clearly know that it's impossible but i don't know why i even care so much. But then come to think of it, it all comes down to this. I still love you that's why i still care about you and everything else that you do. Maybe that's the reason why. But then again.. Maybe its all a part of my wishful thinking.
Dear E,
Today during musical, I cried again. I just felt very clenched up inside, I had to let them go. You know, I miss you at times. Wondering how would it be like, if I still had you, if I had cherished you then. Though I regret what I've done to cause you to leave, nothing is able to bring you back. You can't see how much I've learnt, hoping that you'll be touched but no, you've moved on. You had forgotten about me, about us. And walking down that stretch of road home today alone again, I cried once more. My tears just kept coming down. Really, my heart was crying.Today, 3 of my friends founded out my scars and shocked, they asked what happened. I lied but I couldn't lie through them. I had no better answers, it was way too obvious that I've done them to myself. I could see the hurt in their eyes, telling me not to continue anymore. Not to do this to myself. I feel that hurt, and sometimes I'm disappointed in myself. That happy front I give to people, those smiles and telling people how happy-go-lucky I am, maybe they are all fake. I don't know. But I know deep down, that currently at this period of time, I'm really depressed. It's an obstacle that I can never seem to shift away. Unless you'd come back to me, then I believe everything will be solved. But I can't be selfish and take your happiness away just to satisfy mine, I can't. All I want is you to be happy, but sometimes seeing you happy hurts me because I feel unfair. But I'd not want to drag you down to my misery with me. I don't want you to see me suffering. It's unfair. Wait, life's not even fair.♥Sunday, 11 December 2011♥ @ 2:02 pm
Dear E,
What happened yesterday, I didn't mean to get discovered by you. I was hiding, I was running away. I never wanted you to see me in that state. I ran out, really devastated, I don't know why. That feeling, was really not describable. I collapsed, I cried hysterically, I kicked, I punched, I screamed and I inflicted pain to myself. Why? Because simply, I was facing reality all over again.But thanks for the hug though. I really missed it so much. If I could, I'd never let go. And I'm sorry for hurting you, really I am. And I'm sorry for always constantly saying sorry because I don't know what else to say. I don't know how to talk to you again like before, because I still love you. I don't know how to be normal infront of you because whenever I see you, I'd just feel like crying all over again because it reminds me that we'd never be together because we aren't meant to be together, no matter how much I believe we are meant to be, it doesn't seem like it to you.You told me to promise you that I'd not hurt myself, I told you I can't. And you said that I have to promise then I'd remember. And then I gave you a faint smile because those were to words I said to you, when I told you that I'd wanna marry you. So I replied the same words as how you had replied to me then. "I cannot promise you because I would not know what will happen tomorrow, the next day or in the future."Memories. Our memories are dead. While others are continuing. As much as I'd love to revive our memories, seems like it's impossible because it takes 2 hands to clap. What's the point when I'm the one clinging on while you are there, trying to shake me off. I really miss you.& that's what I get after suppressing everything inside. I died.♥Friday, 9 December 2011♥ @ 5:10 pm
Dear E,
You're back and I really have the urge to talk to you but, fear's holding me back. I wish I had the courage to do what I want. I wish you'd talk to me. Guess all my 11:11 wishes just simply, don't come true huh. Saddening much. I guess I'd just stand here and watch you from afar. All you have to know is that I'd always be behind your back, supporting you mentally. Whatever you do, I'll always believe you and my heart will always be with you. At times, I know I'll act weird infront of you, show you attitude and such. I know I have no excuses anymore. But I really miss you at times. But what can I do, nothing. I just hope that you'll always be happy and if you are having a good life from now onwards then that's good enough for me. Wonder if you'd forget me. I believe you'd. Why would you want someone like me right. Sighs, why am I even drowning myself in sadness like this? When will all these end?
Dear E,
You're back and I really have the urge to talk to you but, fear's holding me back. I wish I had the courage to do what I want. I wish you'd talk to me. Guess all my 11:11 wishes just simply, don't come true huh. Saddening much. I guess I'd just stand here and watch you from afar. All you have to know is that I'd always be behind your back, supporting you mentally. Whatever you do, I'll always believe you and my heart will always be with you. At times, I know I'll act weird infront of you, show you attitude and such. I know I have no excuses anymore. But I really miss you at times. But what can I do, nothing. I just hope that you'll always be happy and if you are having a good life from now onwards then that's good enough for me. Wonder if you'd forget me. I believe you'd. Why would you want someone like me right. Sighs, why am I even drowning myself in sadness like this? When will all these end?
♥Thursday, 8 December 2011♥ @ 12:12 am
Dear E,
我突然好想你. 今天，我看见了一个很像你的人。 他让我想起我们的回忆，我一直看住他因为那就像看住你的脸一样。我快要哭了。我努力想起你，哭也没关系。伤心难过也不能让你只道，好痛苦只几一个人承担。你在那里，我好想你，你知道吗？我快要风了。我会快了吗？不会。其实，我心里很难受。因为我每天在都在希望你会在有一天里想起我，想我。。。
♥Wednesday, 7 December 2011♥ @ 2:07 am
Dear E,
The day after I decided to move on, my period came back after 2 months. This sounds weird, but yeah. I'm getting better, my body's better I guess. Well knowing that you're just a fence away from school, makes me think about you when I walk down the stretch of road. Cause' you're so near, yet so far. Everytime 11:11 comes by, I'd automatically wish about you. I don't know, it's just a habit already. I get this sourish-faint-smile feeling everytime I think about you. Because I know, i'm supposed to really let go and not hold onto anymore hopes. I'm gonna' stand up this time round, I promise. It's about time I focus on my dance and studies now. Knowing you'd there to support me mentally, i'm really happy enough. (':Thank God I won't be going to school on friday because I'd having a night performance, most prolly after that I'd go home. A little disheartening because I won't get to see you but I guess it's better because, I have no idea how am I supposed to even face you, to even look you into the eyes. Because if I do, everything will come back & I can predict me, breaking down once more and start my melodrama shit. But in the end, I have no idea if I'm pretending to be okay or am I really truly okay.. My heart is really a master of deceiving. Even I myself, can't figure it out.
♥Tuesday, 6 December 2011♥ @ 12:12 am
Dear E,
Today I managed to survive through, well at least. I went to the library today after class to study. Unknowingly, I sat at that same corner, that same desk, that same seats where you came to school to accompany me previously. I was studying while you wear reading those comics. Because you were there, I kept wanting to play with you but you insisted that I should study. And coincidentally, we both wore the exact same outfit, without even planning. Ha, sweet memories. Your tweets, I don't know if there are about me. But if they are, then I have nothing much to say because it's so hurtful to the heart.Doing house reminds me of you. When people says "kick kick" reminds me of us. And the times, when you said those words because you were teaching, and we both would secretly laugh because it was like our secret nicknames. Ha. Am I trying to prove a point to you? I don't know now. My dream was to be able to match up to your standards, so that we could compete together. But now, I don't really know what's the point of me now. Am I doing it purely for myself or, is there a secrete reason why. I have absolutely no idea.4 more days till I get to see you in school again. Really, I can't do it. The thought of seeing you, scares me. Because I don't know what I'll do. I guess I'll disappear again. ): Sighs.♥Sunday, 4 December 2011♥ @ 2:33 am
Dear E,
We were so happy back then. So much smiles everywhere. Sweet sweet moments because we were both in love, with each other. Waiting for you every night, talking to you every night. It's all different now. I want to start all over again, if I could. I believe I can be a better person. I believe it'll all change. I believe the ending will be different. I don't want to erase memories of us. If I could, I want to remember, I don't want to forget, even if it means me crying. Because it's okay if I cry, I want to remember us. Back then.I feel like harming myself, or getting knocked down by a car or something. So that I can lay in the hospital and not having to worry about anything. I almost did, until you stopped me. But this time round, are you going to?
Dear E,
I don't know anymore. I've been crying and crying today. Maybe I should just get lost. Maybe I should screw up myself up. Maybe I should just die and live a new life. Easy for you to say, to tell me to let go, to tell me to find something else to focus on. Fuck you. If it was that easy, would I still be here crying? Would I still be here feeling so clenched up? Would I see still here? Do you think it's fun being here? Feeling extremely sad every single fucking day. The only time I like it here is when I get to inflict pain on myself. Because I'm allowed to. Fuck. I hate you so much sometimes. But then I'd just cry again because I can't even hate you. Tell me what's this feeling, of love and hate all at the same time."I would say for this case is I didn' see who you really are before we were together"Fuck you.. You really misunderstood me.
♥Saturday, 3 December 2011♥ @ 1:21 pm
Dear E,
My body's screwed, I missed 2 months of period. Must be this emotional stress that I've been putting in my body through. Falling sick. Feeling so tired. My brain, my mind is dead, really. It seems empty most of the times. Defeated, yes I am. What's wrong, you asked. Nothing's wrong actually, it's just I still cannot accept the fact that you know, you will never return to me and that seeing you makes me think of what we could have become. Then realizing all over again that, it's just me deluding myself. You are so near to me, yet so far. Why are you so happy, while I'm not. Is this what you really wanted of me? Putting on a mask every time, to prove that I'm alright and happy. Can't you see my cries for help? This time round, I'm drowning. Worse, in my very own pool of tears, lies and hurt. What's the point of letting you know, when the reason's the same every time. Won't your answer be the same as well? Telling me that if I insisted on staying on the same spot, that no matter how much you try to push me out of it, there's nothing you can do. So what if I told you what happened to me, there's nothing you can do because the reason is you. Why can't you fucking see this situation that I'm in, this situation that you caused me to be in. Sometimes, I hate you so much for causing me to be like this, so emotionally affected that it screws everything up. My studies, to my body, to my smile and to my heart. I wanna' vent on you so badly, because you are the culprit of my depression. I wanna' let you know how hurtful is it to be me. I wanna' let you taste this endless pains and cryings. But then, at the end of the day, I can't. Because I can't bear to hurt someone I love..What is this. Suffering like this, who am I to run to you when i'm sad. Yes, I know I'm a burden to you. I drowned you with my feelings, my 'changed' attitude, and hence you broke up with me. You gave up just like that. I'm not worth fighting for, isn't it? I'm fucking crying so badly..
3/12/11 02:00Dear E,It's not me that's crying, it's my heart. These scars here, reminds me of the countless heartaches I experienced after you gave up on me. The tears I've shed, the silent cries every night. The silent screams in my throat and the smile that's gone. You are the reason why. Because you made me believe, in me, you and in us.Today, I disappeared somewhere because I couldn't face you. I didn't know how, I couldn't even make myself to walk past you. I didn't know how am I supposed to react. When I see you, I feel like I'm going through another breakup all over again. I'm really tired of hiding. Tired of everything. I wish we could be back like before. No worries because we both believed. Tears, why won't you stop. I'm really emotionally defeated. That's all.Can't even tell you what's going on in my life now. How I get sad everyday and cry every night to sleep. Tired, very tired. I miss you.The sudden realization of truth is like me stabbing my own heart.