I wish you would encourage me or just wishing me a good luck for the event later. Really wish you would because it means alot to me. Sighs. 2 more days till the fourth month of not having you and sometimes I'm still stuck here, missing you and all. Why is it so unfair. And you know, you mean so much to me that I'll never stay mad at you. Seeing you talking to others and simply ignoring me, hurts me in the heart.. Why. Because I'm not pretty enough? I'm not skinny enough? I'm not attractive enough? Fucked up. I wish the world would end, seriously.

Heard you hurt both your ankles, how stupid can you get. Yeah, I worry for you and I care for you and yet you simply brush me aside and ignore me. You now it makes me feel more like a really dumb fool, still trying to always ensure that I'm will be there for you. It makes me feel pathetic at times. Hate you see you happy when I know that I'm not the one who made you smile. And yesterday I went away for quite some time, doesn't matter where I went actually because I saw you and her together which really breaks my heart even more. I'm just feeling that my life is full of lies and all. It feels so fake now.

I don't know why sometimes I'd still cry at night, like now right now, tears are falling. I don't know why sometimes I'm still waiting for you when I clearly know that you have moved on. I don't know why I still try and get your attention the most. I don't know why I still like you. Fuck this. You know, right now I'm fighting with myself again. Can't help but to feel so unwanted by you. I know I'm a bore, I know I'm not pretty nor am I attractive in any way. Neither am I skinny and neither am I the right one. But it hurts me day by day to really see you give up and see me giving up in the end. You'll only treasure my presence when I'm about gone or when I do something which causes you to feel bad. Why. I don't wanna scare you off, neither do I wanna let you walk away. I don't know what I'm doing now. You worrying about me and caring is the sweetest thing to me now. I wish you'd do that. But then again, why waste your time on me right. They are so pretty, so thin and all. Self esteem level zero.

)':

It's the start of a brand new year, a start of a new chapter in my life. Yes, although it's still rather difficult to really forget and to really move on but I promise that I'll do it, I'll try and I'll really move on. For you, and for me. Like you said, I'm doing myself a big favor. Slowly, I've taken baby steps and yes I can see and even feel the progress right now. I feel free, like I've just rescued myself from a crumbling building. Though times, I do still get slightly upset and jealous and times where I do really miss you and I'd cry, but it doesn't affect me that much as before. I have friends around me who really care about me, who are always there for me. And of course, there's you who is always there watching me from afar. I know you care and I really appreciate it. Your care is really the most supporting and encouraging to me and it'll just make me smile from the inside.

Yes, I was silly before. I did silly things which unintentionally hurt the people around me and ultimately, you. I'm sorry. Though I've stopped, the only regret I have now is that these scars here would never go away. I've to hide and lie and I hate it. When people ask, I believe they can see through my lie. But it doesn't matter now, even if people judge me, I can't do anything about it. If they are really my true friends, they'll still be there for me.

And yeah, 2012 I'm ready to embrace you.