This blog belongs and is designed by Me
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♥Monday, 13 February 2012♥ @ 11:43 pm
Dear E,
No longer do I have to courage to face you. No longer do I have the guts to look you into the eyes. No longer do I have the ability to smile at you. No longer do I have the rights to even be someone you should care for. I'm worthless and now it's meaningless. I'm just sad. Reasons are unclear and they seem so misty, neither of us knows what lies ahead of us. Yes, sometimes I do wish you to be sad because then it would deem fair to me because I'm the only one here now, longing for the past. But I can't do that and wish you bad just to fit into this drama that I've created for myself. The drama where only I and myself will see it. And this is really draining my energy away, draining my smile and laughter away. I'm too tired, to hold on but too in love, to let go. Those dead memories of ours, I still remember them. Perhaps, one day I'll join them and in those dreams, you'll be mine. But what nonsense is this, perhaps, maybe, I don't know. One day. Soon. Till then, I'm waiting.
♥Sunday, 12 February 2012♥ @ 9:31 pm
Dear E,
A month of not blogging but im still here. Feeling like shit. Stuck, because whenever I move forward, I tend to move backwards instead. I see you doing well and yes i do feel happy for you but sometimes, it's that little feeling wishing that you'd be as sad as me because that perhaps my friend, would make me feel better. And how long as it been again, 5 more days to the 5th month without you. Hundreds of days have just passed by, just like that.You know, amidst me being so busy, I still think of you every single day, without fail. There has never been a day where I forget. And this what kills me the most because I'd cry nights after nights and even when I'm walking back home. I've been feel sad for every single fucking day, I'm not kidding but I really am. I'm suffering from mild depression in case you didn't know. I lost my motivation to move on or to even live. I thought about suicide but I couldn't imagine leaving my family just like that. So I decided on finding a way to just land myself in the hospital, to get away from this world. Do you even have a single idea how torturous it was then, to fight with myself to live and carry on with life everyday because fuck, I still have responsibilities, I can't just leave things as they are. Perhaps when everything's settled and perhaps when I have more time to myself. But how can I move on, when I'm still in love with you?These scars here, are never going to heal. People ask, I come up with silly excuses. But you know now, I'm too tired to even think of excuses. I've come to a point in life whereby I really don't care what others might think of me, psychotic because I harm myself? Fuck you because you don't even know me. And what I've become, I really don't know. All I know is, I'd never want to experience another of this, because I might end up really, killing myself.Perhaps, I'll just stay here and wish that one day, you'll wake up and find that you're missing me.